3 Keys To Transform Your Marriage

Save My Marriage men

Recognizing you have a marriage problem is the first step along the road to transforming your marriage, and for most couples simply acknowledging there is a problem shatters the marriage myth. According to love stories, movies, and fairytales we are supposed to live 'happily ever after'. But what happens when Snow White develops a drinking problem? What happens when Robin Hood's long working hours start affecting his marriage to Maid Marian? What happens when Cinderella says she has 'fallen out of love'?

We are taught in school how to do sums, how to read and recognize Shakespeare, and how to conduct scientific experiments, but what do we really know about the greatest social experiment of all, namely our ability to keep the love alive in our marriage?

The fact is we know surprisingly little, and from the moment we say "I do," we are literally flying by the seat of our pants. We don't get a manual or a textbook telling us how to get it right, so our marriage becomes an evolving set of experiments, learning and discovering more and more about ourselves and each other, and figuring out what works and what doesn't. Some say if we don't make mistakes we don't really learn, but what do those mistakes cost us, and is the cost too high for some couples?

That's why I have 3 ways to instantly transform your marriage. These are 3 things that you know will work and will help you get your marriage back on track. Let's call this your error-free way to redeem yourself and your marriage in the eyes of your partner and show them that you are committed to making positive changes in your marriage.

The first key to transforming your marriage is to stop looking at your issues on a case-by-case basis. Couples that try to solve arguments by going into the small details of every argument are never really going to deal with the big stuff. I'm talking about the issues that REALLY matter in your marriage, and the issues that keep coming up in every disagreement.

Spend too much time at work? Partner feeling unappreciated? Don't make love as much as you used to? Either of you feeling unfulfilled by your lifestyle or the relationship? Is the communication poor in your relationship? Does your need to always be right override the feelings of your partner? Spend less time worrying about the details and more time examining the issues and themes behind your arguments.

* The issue is your job. The theme behind this may be balance between work and home life.
* The issue is you not doing enough chores. The theme behind may be that you are being invited into making a greater   contribution into coupledom.
* The issue is your partner being grumpy with you all the time. The theme is your partner needing to feel validated in the relationship

If you have a greater understanding of what the key themes are behind your marriage issues you are better able to develop effective solutions that will really make a difference.

The second key to transforming your relationship is to examine your beliefs about marriage. It's okay to not have the fairytale marriage. Even the best couples don't always get it right. But what makes the imperfections good or bad is how you choose as a couple to deal with it. When you disagree about something, do you sit down and talk about it, or is your first instinct to deny that there is a problem and hope that it will all go away?

You need to understand that it is okay to be imperfect. In fact, admitting this to yourself and your partner can be one of the most liberating actions you take in transforming your marriage. Admitting your imperfections exposes a vulnerability that can bring you closer together as you find ways to get some meaning out of your issues. Acknowledging that you do make mistakes can open the door to acknowledging that there is a better way to do things, and one of the lessons we are called into as a couple is finding that solution together. Make a list of things that you have learnt since you got married, and a list of areas that you as a couple can both improve on. Then try sharing that list with your partner and ask them to contribute their thoughts.

The third key to transforming your relationship is in recognizing the differences between men and women, and acknowledging the importance of both roles in the relationship. Just because your partner views something different to you doesn't make them wrong, and the same goes for you. There are often several interpretations of the truth, and the key to marriage success is in recognizing that women and men have key fundamental differences in the way they view things. For men, their view may be a much more task-oriented approach to fixing an issue, where a woman may focus more on the emotional process as you both navigate your way through marriage issues. While both approaches are different, with compromise they can both achieve the same result.

Write down 5 themes or issues. Then I want you to write down 5 task-oriented ways of trying to solve the situation. Then list 5 thoughts-based ways of communicating your way to a solution.

The first step to transforming your marriage is in transforming YOU. Being married can be scary enough, but having marriage problems and not knowing how to fix them can be paralyzing! All it takes is the ability to step outside your day-to-day issues and look at different ways of viewing your marriage. Every marriage problem invites you into growing and offers you and your partner the opportunity to learn.

Now it's up to you to take what you have learned and apply it to YOUR marriage. You too can have a fairytale marriage!

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It's Independence Day!

Today is the 4th of July. Today we celebrate our country's independence and at our house it is also my husband's birthday.  He never takes his birthday very well. It seems to always make him depressed (I can understand that since we are getting "old" but never did understand it when we were only in our 30's). I have tried to figure out what does it  to him but have given up after all these years. We just get through the day and eventually he forgets he had another birthday.
Our country didn't even really declare our independence on the 4th.
America’s independence from Great Britain was actually declared by the Continental Congress on July 2 1776. I find that amusing and it makes sense these days since we've become so mixed up on what our country stands for. I believe the original signers of the declaration would be very shocked at what our government has turned in to.
There is also no proof at all that Betsy Ross sewed our first flag, even though thousands of people have visited the famous scene. So who sewed the first flag? No one knows. We do know that Francis Hopkinson designed the first flag though he receives no real credit for his work.This also seems fitting for our country in this century. It seems no one tells the truth anymore, especially our government officials.

The past couple of years have been very difficult for the United States. We have fallen off our thrown and we can't get up!

Enjoy this day everyone! Be thankful that we are still a "free" country.

I thought my Mom was older.

You know growing up I always thought my Mom was older than she seems to have turned out to be. She was only in her 30's when I was in high school but I considered that to be old at the time. She wasn't "cool" or "in". She dressed like a Mom, did her hair like a Mom and talked like a Mom. It just seems very strange to me that when I was in my 30's I felt like I was still so young. I was "cool" and "in" in my mind, but probably not my kids. Now I am a grandmother, which I love, but how is that possible when I am only in my 40's? I am supposed to be gray haired, and wrinkled, and wearing house coats. Right? Well, that was how my grandmother was when I was little and the funny thing is she looks exactly the same to this day, she hasn't changed a bit in these 30 some years since my "young" days. Now I am a grandma and I am wondering how I got here without turning into the grandma I have pictured in my mind. That's not what I see in the mirror and I like it that way. I don't want the grey hair or the wrinkles and I really don't want to wear house coats! I like that I wear that same jeans that my 22 year old daughter wears. I like that I can wear her shirts and we swap shoes so that we have even more to wear. We color our hair, but that's not a grandma thing, that's a "I like that color better than my real color" thing, and my daughters do it too. I do use wrinkle cream at night but thankfully that is to keep them from happening to me, which I know they eventually will. I like being a grandma in this age where grandma's are young and vibrant and still do crazy things sometimes but we love more and better than when we were the Mom because we can.